I am so nervous to work with my boss today. She is being nice as I sit here before my shift, but it’s so fake! I am scare of myself more than anything. I there is any emotion I am scared of dealin with most it’s anger. I can’t do anger, I don’t know how. In a snap of a finger I feel like I’m exploding inside and I could kill someone, or hurt them so badly they can’t move. If you looked at me this would sound silly. I look so innocent. People think I’m so nice and innocent and they don’t know what I think. I AM a nice person. I care so much it scares me. I care so much and it hurts so much I can’t deal with that part. It’s so much easier to just hate her. I get in trouble for having an “attitude” sometimes. I don’t mean to, I try to hide it and pretend everything is ok but it’s like my face and body language won’t cooperate. I read a part in a book this morning that was very triggering. It was very detailed.  I already feel like SIing most if the time and I feel like it sealed the deal and it’s all I can think about. It’s so much more comfortable. It seems like it would feel good and calming. I wonder if I will ever even stop injuring for good. It’s obvious to me that I’m doing a lot lot lot better than where I have been for years, and it’s taken a lot of work in changing my thinking through therapy. But I sill SI sometimes. I’d like to say something like “I know better” but that doesn’t seem to fit in this context. I know what to do, that’s more like it. Even though I know what to do, how to resist, all kinds of things I could do to, even use just some sheer will power-but it’s so comforting when I’m so uncomfortable. Sometimes lately I wrap myself in blankets all around mr tightly and hug my stuffed elephant. I call my therapist sometimes. Without fail it’s always comforting to me to talk to her, but I try to not rely on her SO much. Right now I’m at work waiting for my shift to start and all I want to do it go to the bathroom and SI. I was so excite to be able to buy my car in a couple weeks, the IRS sent an email yesterday that student credit stuff wot even be looked at until the middle of February, so I’m looking at being able to buy a car in March now. I’ve been waiting for 6 months!!!!!!!!! I’m being kind of material with this but I’m so over it.