Lately there have been a lot new experiences for me. Nothing bad, just new and outside my comfort zone. With these new experiences I am often very critical of myself. I tell myself I could have done it better, or that I acted stupid, and so on. So this evening was a new experience that brought on some of these thoughts. SI became an automatic thought to deal with it, but I pushed that away. I decided to distract myself just to get my mind of it. In the middle of doing my distraction activity I realized I was doing something I would have done when I was a teenager – I watched movie clips of characters that I find myself relating to. In some of these movies those people I can relate to are receiving support. I, in my real world, am not. I found it strange that I was doing this. But it felt so normal and it brought back a sense of this weird safeness and comfort I had as a teenager.
I am not sure if I am making any sense. I just found it odd that I was finding the safety and normalcy in what I used to do as a teenager when I haven’t done that in a long time.
It also feels bad that it felt normal and comfortable. During that period of my life things were awful. I SIed all the time and my whole world was in a chaotic state from disclosing abuse and all that happened as a result of me talking.
I don’t know what I am trying to say. I guess all these new experiences and lack of confidence lead me to want to go to something familiar – even if that familiar is associated with a bad time.