I came across this blog today and was relieved to find that I’m not the only adult in her 40s who still struggles with SI, and who also hides it from their significant other. It’s doubly hard for me now because I went 16 years without SI, thinking I was successfully “recovered,” then a relationship crisis and a series of family deaths totally threw me off, and I started self-injuring again. It’s been a tough year of ups and downs, and a lot of shame and fear. I’m still working with my therapist to try and regain balance. I’ve found that Somatic Experiencing really helps, as well as the book, “Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation.” I also paint, and write. But nothing is a magic bullet, and it still comes down to me facing myself, trying to find another way to deal with overwhelming emotions. I wonder what others have found that works for them? I’ve never reached out like this before. It feels vaguely comforting to know there are others out there, struggling with their own ghosts.
You aren’t the only one. I am near 40 and SI for the first time in my life. I’ve experienced deaths of close friends, rape, etc. It is all coming down on me now. The Urgent care is starting to get suspicious of me. No judgement here. I know I need to stop and you do too. The trick is finding out how to do it! You aren’t alone!
I myself am 49, Started when I went through a book about Post Tramatic Stress Syndrom with my theripst. I was so dissociated that I started to SH. That was about 4 years ago I have been ok this past month but it is a day to day strugle. I started it to punish myself for letting things happen to me when I was younger. Now I know that It was not my fault at all. But When I get stresses that is the first thing that comes to my mind is to punish myself for my wrongs.
Thank you for your comments. It’s reassuring to know others my age are struggling with this behavior — I don’t feel so bad about it. Part of me thinks I should know better by now, after all these years. I first started SI when I was 4, and the worst of it was when I was a teenager. I thought I “beat” it in my late 20s, and felt very triumphant and strong for many years. It’s humbling to realize that life’s challenges never end, and that I’m always at risk for sliding back into old, familiar habits. When everything breaks loose, I look for the one thing that is guaranteed to soothe me and calm down the emotions. When nothing feels real, SI makes me feel grounded. Until afterwards, when I feel remorse, pain and fear. I don’t want to be doing this into my 50s, 60s and beyond. And yet I’ve been developing more compassion for this part of myself. Some people drink or use drugs, some people have food issues, or have affairs — anything to calm their anxiety. SI is what I do when I can’t see any other way out. So I continue to try new ways of coping, and if I slip, I try to go easy on myself and not get too discouraged. Fundamentally I know I’m a good person.
It really does help to realize you are not alone! I am 45 now and I am working on trying to quit AGAIN. I found this blog and it’s really inspired me to try – since I realize now I am not a total freak. It’s been about three weeks since I SI’d which I feel good about. I found one friend that I confided in that I can text when I get the urge. She has bulimia so she knows what it is like to have an urge that you want to give into really badly. When I make a conscious choice to tell it helps me remember I want to not SI. The only problem is the thoughts and feelings I want to block with SI have to be felt & thought then but that is probably what is normal.