I could easily act out right now. I am furious. I fell asleep early and now am awake at midnight. I have a limp of angry tears in my throat. I want to mark it in my body. – that would undermine my credibility- and it’s what I have worked so hard not stop doing. Why would I want to do it? – I just can’t stand it, says my mind. The whole world is coming apart. I unspooling. – better to stay with the anger. But even in the anger. I don’t u detest and what I am supposed to do. I don’t understand how I supposed to hold this. I can’t hold it. I need to leave the house. I need to get out if the house. I am going to stop doing his and text a friend who might be awake and would come over. I did that. I hate and hate and hate. Took my son to a psychiatrist who was just terrible. She has no idea who I am it what an advocate and resource I am for him. She is dumb and threatened to call social services. Dumb dumb dumb.  Someone has to be the one who went to the worst medical school and graduated last in her class. It was her. So upsetting to listen to her push him down. Tell him how poiy he is doing when he’s doing great. She based everything in a multiple choice test. A psychiatrist I saw in college have me a multiple choice test the told me there was no hope for people like me when I wouldn’t take the anti psychotic he prescribed – I was not psychotic, by the way. I was still experiencing incest but I didn’t know that because I am a master of repression- I just knew that something was really wrong. I was a great student but unable to continue in school because I was so disturbed. Dropped out. Moved away. Saw a real therapist who told me what was happening to me – I guess I told her – but she out it together for me – then told my mom who blamed me and a year later, still very young I fled into the arms of a new abuser- married him- he didn’t allow therapy. Now I am really getting my life together. I am doing great. I am hope for my son. This woman was a moron. A very dangerous moron. Trying to get me to say that drugs will ruin his life if he gets arrested. I do not believe in ruined lives. I told her I thought that was black and white thinking. And I was there to explain to my son that she was wrong to be pushing him down and down and down when he is doing great- so full if improvement. But she had also given him a multiple choice test a year ago and insisted that he was much worse off. A year ago I was afraid if him. The violence is gone. He’s going to school more. He’s gotten NICE again. He has been through trauma with me. I stayed with his father until he was in middle school. It is not my fault that I was abused. Everyone – every pop psychology book says “stope acting the role if the victim” – or how people who “want” to be victims invite abuser (I just read I hate you don’t leave me).  No one “wants” to be a victim. Abuse – chronic abuse- it messes up the perception of reality. It is not my fault. My son’s life is not ruined. If he gets arrested for drugs his life still will it be ruined because as long as a person is Alive there is hope. I was not hopeless. I survived in spite of …and off my own strength. And I am string enough now that I called and said I wanted that woman off my sons case. That was awesome of me. My mom wasn’t there telling me I wasn’t ruined. But I was. I was full of rage. Feel nauseous.

The problem with social services – she threatened to call them – I think I said that. They are no threat to me.  All the anger is gone. There was .., no ,., it just reenacted a lot of trauma. I wish I would have refused. I felt abused. I am numb.