I don’t mean to write two posts in a row, but I need to vent and I think some who read this blog might understand- cause right now no one around me seems to get it.
I am getting a degree in a “helping profession”. We learn a lot about various mental health issues. I have mentioned this before, but in class if some discloses they are in recovery for alcohol or drugs they are looked at in a different light – they are respected more and what they have to say is valued. When it comes to discussing anything SI related it is a whole different atmosphere. Those who have/do SI are only seen as wrong, attention seeking or they automatically have Borderline Personality disorder. Sometimes I want to speak up and say my opinion but I am too afraid to get judged by my classmates and professors.
It irritates me that there is such a stigma even among those who are training how to effectively treat/help others. Yes, SI is not a healthy coping tool and we need to address some of the underlying issues. But just because I have SIed does not make me this bad, or crazy person with some difficult to treat personality disorder! Sometimes I wish I could just say that in class.
How come recovering addicts are accepted, but those recovering from SI are looked at so negatively? It makes me second guess myself and I start to believe there is something wrong. But I am not wrong. I grew up in an abuse environment in which I always had to be careful not to create waves or i would suffer the consequences. I couldn’t show emotion and certainly not express any negative feelings. I had to keep secrets about abuse. SI became that outlet because there was no other. I have worked tremendously hard on becoming a better and healthier person. Things aren’t 100% but I have overcome a lot. But these people would never see that. They would see the scars first and label me second because that is what is taught… And unfortunately SI is taught in context with Borderline… So these students who don’t understand SI may make that my label. This irritates me so much and I just needed to vent to others who may understand. I want to be a voice for others but how do I do that when my body clearly shows what I have done to myself?