Things have been ok. A new semester has started, my jobs are going alright and I even reached out and went out to lunch with a classmate. I am trying to connect and make friends. Although I miss counseling and my therapist I feel ok with it. I got over that feeling of separation and not knowing how to continue without her support.
And yet…happiness is only ok when I am not waiting for that ball to drop…and it seems like it will at any second. I feel it all starting… The anxious feeling, not being able to see facts but only go to that irrational negative feeling. I feel okay and then something triggers that question of “is it alright for me to be ok…do I deserve to be ok?” then I feel that questioning starting a whole chain of other thoughts. If I don’t deserve to have things going well then I need to punish myself for somehow enjoying something I shouldn’t.
I want to be happy and feel like that things are going smoothly. I like the feelings that go with that. I don’t get worked up if I think I did something wrong. I feel more confident and feel like I can actually be liked. But I get so conflicted and it becomes so confusing. How can something this simple be so confusing for me? Although I’ve been okay knowing I can’t go back to see my counselor, these feelings make me long for someone to help give me some clarity.