Boy. I had just written out this post about emotion and then I accidentally deleted it. Interesting. I thought I was really getting to something– I was in the process of saying something that seems rather ordinary but it is not. Not to me. Then- gone- mid-sentence. I’m sure there was some accidentally on purpose in there.
I am going to write out what happened. Just get back on the horse–interesting–because what I was writing out was about the management of my emotions for getting back on the horse. It feels like fractals.
Second attempt at getting it out. I got a sort of snide text message from someone I am working with. I usually work alone– so having a boss-type relationship is all new to me–I’ve always worked alone. Shame is present even now in recalling the story–and thought of minimizing are there too–trying to dispatch the shame by shaming myself for having shame. I am certain that that is not a productive strategy.
….it’s occurring to me that the blog is a sort of containing. I have to leave the quickpress page a lot in order to spellcheck words but I do not want to type outside of it. It feels holding…. How odd that I can admit that….
So- I got the message and I saw flooding happen– or an seeing now that it happened. I didn’t want to let it in. I know I was a bit lazy–that’s what was being responded too. But I did feel a tinge of anger. Anger is good for me. When the anger is there I am different the thing I am angry about. I thought a profanity toward the person. That felt interesting–not a part of my normal patterns. But still mostly just flooded with a sense of wrong doing– flooded with him and his frustration with me. But that is not me. I am not frustrated with me. I told myself I was bad because if I was going to text him at night I better have very good well-worked idea to share. That is entirely my rule that I made up and it is not true to our relationship. I made it up to put myself in a blame spot. I told myself I was bad because I was not being a discriminating as I ought to be. It is true that being more discriminating is the more effective way to be. I can also make that modification if I can stay grounded in me and not be overcome by his emotion that belongs to him. It is not a relationship where there is any reason for me to cower to him. I habitually cower to everyone I come across. That’s a strong statement and it’s true. I don’t want to do it. I’m pretty sure the key is knowing my emotion from the other person’s emotion. I hear that phrase “people pleasing” and that just doesn’t ring true to my experience–at all. It isn’t what happens– merging emotionally then acting off the emotion I am holding that is not my own is what happens. “People pleasing” sounds intentional. It sounds like I have some self outside of the emotion of the other. I don’t. Or, I haven’t in the past. I’ve been working on it for a long time without seeing it so clearly. I wonder if seeing will have an effect.
What was interesting to me when I first started writing is that I felt scared of the relationship. Like I had to extra prove myself — there was this fighting in the tangle of feeling things and trying to push them away. I had a mental exist plan from interaction with him for a few days. But if I feel it. (Feel what?)
….once I said to him something about emotion in a different business arrangement we had in the past. I don’t recall the details. But I know it changed the conversation.
I could say now. Yes, that was bad merchandise. I feel ashamed. (…but is shame what I even feel…) …when I shared emotion like that in the past he came running after me, emotionally. It wasn’t dramatic but I got control of the conversation. …..Or, I could say. You’re right. Forgive me. – that’s overblown…..
The point is that the more I look at the emotion and look away from my thoughts the more manageable the situation seems. And the more it seems to hold lessons.