It is amazing how you can be in a room full of people, and yet feel so alone. I am dreading the warm weather that I know will be here before long. I have been SIing more as of late, and the scars are so noticeable. Somehow my husband has not noticed. How is that? How can you share a bed with someone and not notice something like that? Not that I want him to, just finding it odd. I have been bombarded lately with so many unwanted memories. I just want so much to make them stop. My therapist was trying to put me through some exposure therapy, but SI is getting in the way of that too. Its a vicious circle. The memories often trigger SI. There have been so many news stories lately that have made my past trauma feel so in my face.  I had way too much to drink Sunday night when I injured last. Alcohol just makes me even more numb. I need help so bad, but I am so scared that my husband will leave me if he finds out. The fear of rejection by anyone in my life at this point is more than I can bear. Anyway, those are my random thoughts for the night. Hoping to get some sleep.