I self injured last night. I can’t really explain, I don’t understand why because I feel good overall. I do. More often than not I am in a good mood, I feel stable and “normal”. I’ve blogged about it before, and I’ve talked to my therapist about it, I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about it-sometimes, at night. It’s like someone comes up behind me and throws me to the ground before I even realize what happened. Last night was not good. I had a great day, I didn’t have to go to work, I had two new classes and I love school. I planned all day to go to an AA meeting. It started around 4pm, I remember because I sent a text message and I noticed shortly after that that I was feeling squirrely. I had two hours to wait until the meeting. So I sat there for almost an hour and half and then I just couldn’t take it anymore or sit still so I left and I walked to Moes about two miles up the road. I noticed this was odd of me but I figured maybe I’m just hungry and tired, that can make me feel out of whack often. So I ate and sat there for a while using their wifi. I tried to talk myself into being positive and to feel better to no avail. My girlfriend met me there and we ate and I wish I could explain what happens but I just can’t and it’s so frustrating. I just got irritated then mad then really mad and I didn’t want to talk or be talked to. I wasn’t acting on this, it was just in my head. I told her I was just having a bad day and I was tired. So we went home and I brushed my teeth and got in bed about 8. I couldn’t sleep. I’m leaving something out because I don’t think is the place, but the situation was frustrating and then I tried to fall asleep again, nothing. My mind was racing and I couldn’t get comfortable. I felt like there was no point in living and completely alone and abandoned. These feelings seem completely irrational for the actual situation. I’m laying there wide awake, she’s sleeping, I get up to turn the lights off in the house and lock the doors and get a drink of water. I had the idea to SI and I got what I needed and did it. All so fast. I felt so hopeless and desperate. I didn’t si how I normally do, I did it how I used to when I was drunk because it hurts and when I was drinking it didn’t hurt as bad because I was numb. I don’t know why I did it in that way. I got everything prepared and I even panicked , I went to do it and I stopped because I got scared of the pain. I then told myself I had to go ahead and do it, that the pain would pass quickly and then it would be ok. I got for real scared, because I know it hurts I’ve done it before, I can’t take that kind of pain. So why did I do that? I then got back in bed, exhausted, and fell right to sleep. When I woke up this morning I had that feeling like I couldn’t remember the night before, like I had passed out drunk or something. Then I remembered. I feel like I wasn’t fully conscious for that, like it was me doing it, and me feeling it, but not really me. So I woke up, remembered, and have gone about my day. I have had a great day. I feel like I should probably tell my therapist but I feel weird telling anyone because I FEEL fine. Self injury is not a healthy behavior that someone does when they are actually fine though, right ? Maybe it can be?