I feel like I cant get away from this urge this time. I have been keeping myself busy but my emotions cant handle it anymore. I need to feel something. I want my mind to stop. Im tired of pretending I can handle it. I just want to crumble and fall apart without being scrutinized. I cant even cry without someone telling me to stop. Im tired of feeling so hidden all the time. Like my emotions and thoughts arent allowed to be seen. I texted my best friend and told her it just wasnt my day and I wasnt doing so well, and she asked me if I could blog about it, since it helps. Like great advice, thanks, but sometimes I just want someone to tell me its ok for me to feel this way. I know si is wrong and its crazy simply because im harming my own body. But at the same time, like give me a break. This isnt something I can stop anymore. At least, im not ready to. I dont want to. i cant give up this one thing. Its been 10 years since I picked up the tool for the first time. I can say im better yes, but at the same time, its still on my mind every minute. I just want someone to look at me and know im not ok. I want someone to realize Im hiding behind this perfectly constructed exterior. I just want someone to know Im hurting too. That i have feelings too. That my life isnt peaches either. No one in my life realizes this. I know the first step is to tell them. I know I should talk to them. I have a freaking degree in this! I KNOW this. I know what im suppose to do to stop. I know I need to reach out and tell them. But my fear at this point is them taking it away from me. And Im not ready to give up my si. I cant. I physically cant manage life without it. I dont injure often, but having the option to helps my peace of mind. Im trying really hard not to si tonight. I hope I can do it. But i dont know how well that will actually go. Im going to go read and keep up my new years resoloution.