I feel like I cant get away from this urge this time.  I have been keeping myself busy but my emotions cant handle it anymore.  I need to feel something.  I want my mind to stop.  Im tired of pretending I can handle it.  I just want to crumble and fall apart without being scrutinized.  I cant even cry without someone telling me to stop.  Im tired of feeling so hidden all the time.  Like my emotions and thoughts arent allowed to be seen.  I texted my best friend and told her it just wasnt my day and I wasnt doing so well, and she asked me if I could blog about it, since it helps.  Like great advice, thanks, but sometimes I just want someone to tell me its ok for me to feel this way.  I know si is wrong and its crazy simply because im harming my own body.  But at the same time, like give me a break.  This isnt something I can stop anymore.  At least, im not ready to.  I dont want to.  i cant give up this one thing.  Its been 10 years since I picked up the tool for the first time.  I can say im better yes, but at the same time, its still on my mind every minute.  I just want someone to look at me and know im not ok.  I want someone to realize Im hiding behind this perfectly constructed exterior.  I just want someone to know Im hurting too.  That i have feelings too.  That my life isnt peaches either.  No one in my life realizes this.   I know the first step is to tell them.  I know I should talk to them.  I have a freaking degree in this! I KNOW this.  I know what im suppose to do to stop. I know I need to reach out and tell them.  But my fear at this point is them taking it away from me.  And Im not ready to give up my si.  I cant.  I physically cant manage life without it.   I dont injure often, but having the option to helps my peace of mind.  Im trying really hard not to si tonight.  I hope I can do it. But i dont know how well that will actually go.  Im going to go read and keep up my new years resoloution.