I feel like SI’ing today. It’s been a while. I stopped whenever my therapist told me I had to wait 24 hours to call her and talk about it if I acted out. I don’t talk to her every day but knowing I CAN gives me a lot of comfort so I stopped. We talked about the reasons I probably started to do it again in the first place and how it’s ok that I’m getting better and need her less, or need her in different ways. I feel bad right now, it’s “that time of the month” for me and I feel like my body hates me. I got no sleep because I was in so much pain and because a friend down on her luck needed somewhere to keep her puppy for the night because she got evicted. He whined ALL night. Anyone who has ever had a puppy understands what I mean. When I’m in pain from something like cramps I feel like SI’ing to put the pain somewhere else that I can manage and focus on. That’s why I feel like doing it now. I’m sitting at work waiting for my shift to start. I was seeing bugs crawling on the walls last night that weren’t there and I’m so so sad. I feel hopeless and like no one cares. I think I’ve been through this cycle enough times recognizing what happens that I can now convince myself it will pass in a few days but still it’s hard to believe. I wish I could curl up under the blankets and cover my head for the next few days. I don’t want to handle anything or feel this way. My year sober is next Friday and school starts on Monday.