I feel like SI’ing today. It’s been a while. I stopped whenever my therapist told me I had to wait 24 hours to call her and talk about it if I acted out. I don’t talk to her every day but knowing I CAN gives me a lot of comfort so I stopped. We talked about the reasons I probably started to do it again in the first place and how it’s ok that I’m getting better and need her less, or need her in different ways. I feel bad right now, it’s “that time of the month” for me and I feel like my body hates me. I got no sleep because I was in so much pain and because a friend down on her luck needed somewhere to keep her puppy for the night because she got evicted. He whined ALL night. Anyone who has ever had a puppy understands what I mean. When I’m in pain from something like cramps I feel like SI’ing to put the pain somewhere else that I can manage and focus on. That’s why I feel like doing it now. I’m sitting at work waiting for my shift to start. I was seeing bugs crawling on the walls last night that weren’t there and I’m so so sad. I feel hopeless and like no one cares. I think I’ve been through this cycle enough times recognizing what happens that I can now convince myself it will pass in a few days but still it’s hard to believe. I wish I could curl up under the blankets and cover my head for the next few days. I don’t want to handle anything or feel this way. My year sober is next Friday and school starts on Monday.
the comment about the cramps and si, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like sometimes feeling something I cause is better than what my body wants me to feel. For me getting on birth control took away the cramps and the urges went wiht it during that time of the month. Congratualtions on a year sober!!! (next friday!) and good luck in school!! Keep your head up and stay strong!
I can’t say my urges went with the birth control, but it did take away most of the cramps and the self-injury thoughts related to my period. I hope that you got a good night sleep. we have a year old springer I am well aware of the Whinny puppy side of things. It was hard till our pup slept threw the night. Its a good thing you did for you friend, when if that pup kept you up all night. Hopefully it brought you someone to talk to. You can do this. I know how you feel that you don’t want to handle anything or fee like this but know you can do it and you are doing it. and having that year or almost year is a great accomplishment. So congrats a little early on your year.
And something that was said to me was try not to worry about the months/years/days its just another day just another number. You are doing this not the calendar.