Maybe I am a big baby about my sleep – I was at at very wholesome and worthwhile event on New Year’s Eve – I am glad I went- hugely important to me that I did but I am not used to being up so late (got home at 2am) and I seemed to have knocked my ability to sleep off course. I do not know if I am different but I feel just extremely temperamental. I have been exhausted and reading a rather boring book for the last few hours – bad math- read for a couple hours-Ish, exhausted the while time and now have been trying to fall asleep. Still exhausted. There has been a lot of movement in therapy toward getting states more integrated – being able to talk from one place about what it’s like to be in another. Recognizing that there are different states. It is not unusual if having a hard time sleeping to let my mind different toward horrific moments of the world seemingly falling apart – me unable to communicate, helpless and panicked. Somehow I think I do that to soothe myself. But it is not soothing. I have gotten myself scared and dysregulated – I was remembering my therapist leaving me a message to call him at a certain number. He had called from that number so I could call back – but I was so out of it at the time – writing down a number then dialing it in a keypad would have been impossible – even hearing what the numbers were – making them be still – impossible. I never told him that was too hard and it happened at least a year ago and I do not think I’ve thought of it since – but now I’m here trying to sleep reexperiencing the chaos of the impossible task. Why? I want him to know more of what it’s like for me- but why now? Why am I messing myself up with the memory. I can not tell if I am being over sensitive to my own experience about wanting to sleep- I really really want to sleep. I think “normal” people can stay up late one night then bounce back– but I am, in a generalized way, not a bouncer backer. I need to maintain myself with all the vigilance of looking after a toddler and I do not like that fact. Also- now I know what triggered me to go to the memory of the dysregulated state- I started thinking about- bane of all banes – sex. I am a full adult – fully grown woman and I feel about eight at best – or pulled into parts around that subject. Even the word – I feel more like writing it s-e-x…. Spell it out like the thing that cannot be spoken. My thoughts say I a hopeless case but they are not telling the truth. I’ve had so much tremendous growth. I have changed my life. I am the last thing from hopeless. But boy do I want to sleep….