A few weeks ago one of my closest friends died after a long battle of with cancer. All I have to say is that she definitely won the fight, even though she died. She was so strong, so positive. It feels so weird talking about her in the past tense, and I hardly ever do it, because I just can’t believe she’s gone. I can never hug her or call her or speak to her again. She was so, so, so young. She told her mom all she wanted was to make new friends. I got to be one of those incredibly lucky people that she considered her best friends. I miss her so much.
I feel so empty. Like I can no longer sympathize with people. Now that I’ve lost someone, other people’s emotions seem distant and numbed, I guess? Like I’ve got so much going on in my head that nothing else matters. Does that even make sense? I have no idea anymore.
The self injury has gotten worse. I’ve been doing pretty good, but it escalated a lot since she died. After I SI, I feel her with me. I know I sound absolutely insane but its like shes there telling me to stop. I know she wouldn’t want me to be like this. I know she’d want me to stay strong, which I always told her to do. I know what she wants. But I don’t want this. I don’t want to stay strong anymore. I want this to be over.