This is the first blog I’ve written…. ever. I just have nowhere to go with my thoughts and feelings. Starting in 6th grade and off and on again from that point onward I have struggled with self injury. I did not grow up in a family that nurtured the concept of “having feelings”. Injuring was a way I guess to get out what I didn’t feel free to express. Now fast forward to age 20 when something happened that sent my life spinning completely out of control. I was naive and allowed someone to follow me home under innocent pretenses only to be raped in my own home. There was no help, no support, no justice. I made every attempt to just continue my life as if nothing happened, but there came a point when there was not enough alcohol in the world to drown out the nightmares and memories of what had happened. That is when SI made a big comeback. It was just one more way to attempt to cope. Now fast forward again to further adulthood…. 30’s, married, 2 beautiful children and this horror of SI still has a grip on me. I feel so out of control. Ironic since for me SI is often a way to feel IN control…. to not feel, to not think etc. I have so many visible scars now that it is becoming harder and harder to hide. The idea of someone finding out (particularly my husband) is more than I can bear. But here I am, once again in my own private island of hell. Once again feeling so alone like I did before. I am supposed to be the one in my family that has it all together, the calm one, the mature one, the responsible one. Boy am I coming up short for sure. If they only knew, I would probably be left alone. Maybe that’s what I deserve. I hate that I do it, and yet it just seems like the right thing to do when in the moment. Please tell me that I am not the only adult dealing with what society and media potrays as a teenage issue. Then maybe I’ll feel a little less alone on this private island of mine.
You are not the only one. I will be thirty in a few months and am married. Had a career and an adult life (but now following a different career path). I constantly hide my SI because of how it is viewed. However, my husband knows about it but he thinks I have stopped a few years ago. It is getting harder to hide the fact that SI has returned. No one else knows.
You are not alone, but I wish I wasn’t on the same boat (or island). Sometimes I am fearful this will always be something I struggle with. (I have SIed on and off since I was 13)
It can feel very isolating – especially feeling like SI is a sensitive issues and adults wouldn’t understand (or be supportive) of other adults who SI. But counseling helps and so does this blog. There are other adults here who understand and are supportive.
Having worked in the SAFE Program for many years now, I can assure you – you (and Blueray) are not the only adults who self injure. The oldest person to go through our program (since I’ve worked in it) was 75 years old – and she did great, I might add. It is most definitely not just a teen problem.
So glad you are here and can get some support. We ALL need support now and then.
Pam (Blog Moderator and Clinical Therapist)
You are definitely not alone – I am 45 and still sometimes doing SI. Nobody would guess either – I’m married with kids and a job. My husband doesn’t know it. I did not know that any adults self injured until I found this blog a few weeks. It gave the confidence to tell at least one of my friends. Doesn’t change much and (of course) my friend said “oh, my teenage kids did that”. Not what I wanted to hear! 🙂