This is the first blog I’ve written…. ever.   I just have nowhere to go with my thoughts and feelings.  Starting in 6th grade and off and on again from that point onward I have struggled with self injury.  I did not grow up in a family that nurtured the concept of  “having feelings”.  Injuring was a way I guess to get out what I didn’t feel free to express.  Now fast forward to age 20 when something happened that sent my life spinning completely out of control.  I was naive and allowed someone to follow me home under innocent pretenses only to be raped in my own home.  There was no help, no support, no justice.  I made every attempt to just continue my life as if nothing  happened, but there came a point when there was not enough alcohol in the world to drown out the nightmares and memories of what had happened.  That is when SI made a big comeback.  It was just one more way to attempt to cope.  Now fast forward again to further adulthood…. 30’s, married, 2 beautiful children and this horror of SI still has a grip on me. I feel so out of control.  Ironic since for me SI is often a way to feel IN control…. to not feel, to not think etc.  I have so many visible scars now that it is becoming harder and harder to hide.  The idea of someone finding out (particularly my husband) is more than I can bear.  But here I am,  once again in my own private island of hell.  Once again feeling so alone like I did before.  I am supposed to be the one in my family that has it all together, the calm one, the mature one, the responsible one.  Boy am I coming up short for sure.  If they only knew, I would probably be left alone.  Maybe that’s what I deserve.   I hate that I do it, and yet it just seems like the right thing to do when in the moment.   Please tell me that I am not the only adult dealing with what society and media potrays as a teenage issue.  Then maybe I’ll feel a little less alone on this private island of mine.