This is the first blog I’ve written…. ever. I just have nowhere to go with my thoughts and feelings. Starting in 6th grade and off and on again from that point onward I have struggled with self injury. I did not grow up in a family that nurtured the concept of “having feelings”. Injuring was a way I guess to get out what I didn’t feel free to express. Now fast forward to age 20 when something happened that sent my life spinning completely out of control. I was naive and allowed someone to follow me home under innocent pretenses only to be raped in my own home. There was no help, no support, no justice. I made every attempt to just continue my life as if nothing happened, but there came a point when there was not enough alcohol in the world to drown out the nightmares and memories of what had happened. That is when SI made a big comeback. It was just one more way to attempt to cope. Now fast forward again to further adulthood…. 30’s, married, 2 beautiful children and this horror of SI still has a grip on me. I feel so out of control. Ironic since for me SI is often a way to feel IN control…. to not feel, to not think etc. I have so many visible scars now that it is becoming harder and harder to hide. The idea of someone finding out (particularly my husband) is more than I can bear. But here I am, once again in my own private island of hell. Once again feeling so alone like I did before. I am supposed to be the one in my family that has it all together, the calm one, the mature one, the responsible one. Boy am I coming up short for sure. If they only knew, I would probably be left alone. Maybe that’s what I deserve. I hate that I do it, and yet it just seems like the right thing to do when in the moment. Please tell me that I am not the only adult dealing with what society and media potrays as a teenage issue. Then maybe I’ll feel a little less alone on this private island of mine.