It has been nice having a few weeks off and feeling like it is okay to hibernate. It feels okay to be alone. However, in a week I go back to another semester, back to work and back to feeling alone in a crowd. I am insecure and not confident with who I am, and that is making me not feel okay. I feel like I am on one side of the fence by myself looking to the other side where there are confident, happy people who have one another. I feel disconnected and jealous of what they all have. I am angry that I don’t have that, that I am not one of them. I get angry at myself wondering what it is about me that makes me not fit in – that makes people not drawn to me like I am drawn to them. I can get along with, be friendly and joke around with people in class or at work, but that is where it ends – in the work or classroom setting.
I have a few acquaintances that I would like to get to know better. These are lovely people who seem to make the world a better place. However, because of who they are the seem to have a lot of friends and social obligations. So I feel, by default, that because I am not a close friend, I am not a priority and it is easy for them to brush aside an invitation to go get coffee. I am desperate for a good friend. I used to have this and somewhere along the way it got lost – I got lost. It hurts knowing how good it felt to have close, genuine friends and not having it now. I can’t help but ask myself what is wrong with me. Why is it that some people just have this magnetic energy where people want to be their friends and then there are those few who have great things to offer and try to reach out, but continue to stand alone on the other side of that fence? I am desperate for friends. I am desperate to feel connected to someone else in an emotional way – if that makes sense. I selfishly wish that someone would call me for once and invite me to talk or hang out for once. I don’t mean this to sound like self-pity or like I am feeling sorry for myself. This just feels like a fact and an emotion – although a painful one.
Why does it feel so hard to belong somewhere lately? I know once school starts again I will feel like I am a teenager again – sitting alone by myself in the middle/high school cafeteria again and not really belonging to any “group” to sit with at lunch. If this is really an “it is what it is” moment, how can I feel okay about it and not feel like a bad person that needs to SI in order to punish myself for not being “friend worthy”?