I don’t really know what to write at the moment … I was kind of thinking about everything and what I wanted to write and I realized that it’s extremely similar to what I’ve written in the past. I feel like all of my posts are the same … probably because everything in my life seems to be the same. The same problems that I’ve battled with for so many years continue to bother me, I haven’t actually overcome anything.
The lack of progress is really upsetting at times. I haven’t actually fixed anything and yet I try so hard to pretend that I have. All the reasons that led me to start SI are still here. SI hasn’t fixed the problems; it covered them up and allowed them to grow like a wound my problems have grown and festered. All this time I’ve been ruining my body for temporary relief, just for a few moments of pushing away the things that I can’t handle … the things that I can’t make myself face. I have a horrible body image, my self-perception literally destroys me. All this self-hate and loathing for what the mirror says … SI saved me from dealing with the pain of how I distort myself in my mind. I’ve been trying so hard to please the mirror and its continual stream of put-downs. And now I realize I’m even farther sunk than when I first began trying to cover up my problems. When I take a few steps back and look at my life and myself I see that I’ve only gotten worse. All the former self image problems are still there and now I’ve added new problems. My body is permanently marked from SI, it’s noticeable and what good has it accomplished? Nothing. I’ve spent years making my life revolve around SI and masking my struggles. And now? All this time has been wasted … nothing was fixed I only added on to the problems, I’ve only managed to dig myself deeper. I know I’m sinking further yet because SI is losing some of its hold on me and my flawed thinking patterns are only putting me in the hands of a new disorder. I’m at a loss because I lack the courage to face my inner struggles.