I haven’t SIed in a month.. Today i found out that someone i loved dearly passed away. My great grandmother lived a long life and when my mom told me this morning i went numb. I’ve held back all my tears because i feel like i have to be the strong one and i just hate crying. I keep it in until i am here i am right now. My head is filled with thoughts… not great ones.

Last time i saw her was in 2009 and the last time my mom saw her as in 2008. I wanted to go so badly in the summer to Puerto Rico and my mom said maybe. Then when i was in the intensive outpatient treatment program for my eating disorder.. during one of the family sessions my mom said she didn’t want to go because she was protecting me. My family loves to push a lot of food and if my mom went she would have been able to see her grandmother. I feel like i’m selfish.. it’s my fault she didn’t see her grandmother. It’s not fair  my mom didn’t get the opportunity because of me. Maybe i’m selfish, maybe i could have controlled my eating disorder some how.. or maybe just hid it better then she wouldn’t have needed to worry about it.

I’m sad, refuse to cry and want to revert to Self harm and my eating disorder… but my thoughts are every where and i don’t know what i’m supposed to do. She was such an amazing, caring and beautiful person that i’ll never forget but i haven’t shed a single tear and i refuse to. If i cry i don’t know if i’ll stop. Today is the 22nd and Christmas is coming up… Merry Christmas to me right? Maybe if i wasn’t so stupid this past summer then we could have gone to Puerto Rico to visit. Maybe it’s all my fault…  maybe everything is my fault. People should stop being my friends,loving me, talking to me and everything else… i don’t deserve it and i’m not worth it.