So much has happened since the last time I was here.  Ive been si free.  Sometimes I think id be better off gone somewhere.  I dont want to say I want to die.  I just want to be away from everyone.  Everyone and everyhting.  Isolate myself. Not have to talk to anyone.  I dont even care about anyone anymore.  I just want to ignore everyone around me.   I feel when I dont communicate i dont si.  when I dont involve myself i dont si.  So why do I keep myself involved?

A few nights ago my family fell apart.  My parents had the worst fight that ive been a part of to the point where my mom wanted to leave and it was just loud, fast and physical to some extent.  My dad literally lost it.  Like legit lost it.  Somehow in this my cousin decided to si.  I dont know why.  Maybe it was to distract my parents from fighting.  but this chick doesnt realize she just made us have to call 911 because she was dumb.  Not because of the si, but because she did it in the middle of our kitchen.  It was none of her business.  She didnt need to be involved.  She isnt important to anything and here she causes a scene so my mom wont leave? Im sorry but youve only lived with us for 5 months. Its almost easier for my parents to split up.  It just makes the most sense.  My dad needs help, he really really needs to see a counselor.  He needs help with his drinking, but he doesnt understand. Theres something wrong with him to where EVERYTHING in our house goes wrong. EVERY SINGLE THING that we do he has something to yell about.  Im tired of holding it together.

And you, know when my cousin sied in the kitchen, literally making a mess, I was just mad.  there were no urges.  I didnt think, oh man am i jealous.  I was so mad at her.  I seriously wanted to hit her.  Like I dont think ive ever hated anyone as much as her.  This chick has NEVER sied in her life, and she thinks she can fix my parents? WHO ARE YOU!?!

Like I dont even know. Im so frustraqted.  Thank god i only work these days.  I dont see anyone.  And today, my mom wanted to go shopping with me and this @*#$&*(#$& gets up and just invites herself along!!!!!!!!! Like who does that?! I know im not a child, i know im 23 years old, I know i shouldnt be jealous and be selfish but I just wanted three hours with my mom.  is that too much to ask?  dont get me wrong, my mom stresses me 0ut more than anyone 99% of the time, but this girl is living in my house, for free, not paying for A THING, and oh yea shes THIRTY FREAKING THREE years old!  I dont understand peoples mentalities.  Your a grown up, dont come tagging along with me and my mom!!  It drives me crazy when stuff like this happenes.

I havnt sied in two weeks.  I dont want to si because of this.  Like idk.   I dont know.  my life is so screwed up.

I just want to disapear for a while.  I just want to not be me.  I want everyone to go away.  I need a vacation.  I need to cry.  I need to si.  I need to be me.  But….none of thats happening anytime soon when my family is falling apart.