I want to try and sort of write my way through some sort of understanding of what’s happened to me over the past few days. It is scary to say I feel like I’m coming out it but I think that’s true–scary because I do not want to get kicked onto my butt again–it’s hard to trust. I had pretty much been of the I-m-better-now mindset. And I am pretty well–but it also true that I live with mental health issues and that is very upsetting and it has had a monumental impact on my life. You’d never know it if you met me on a good day and most days are good days… I don’t know how I feel looking at– these issues are just there– I can get triggered and I can be down for the count for days– this is an obstacle. And I want to narrative about it that doesn’t pathologize me, doesn’t blame me, but can also hold and maybe even honor the fact that is not always to easy for me. I really don’t know how to make up that story and keep it balanced.
This evening every inch of my body aches like I have the flu but I know it’s emotion– this is what the body feels like after gobs of stress. My mind, at least, feels present.
And I’m leaving the episode behind with knowledge that I hope to carry forward. Tender information because what I saw is that that the fog that comes can look deceptively mystical–like something to push into–where the answers are. And I an be confused and not know what’s happening but nothing is happening– I am just sitting in a chair, or petting the dog or whatever– present– there aren’t any answers in the fog.