I see where some of the action urge to si is coming from. I see my frustration and how much I want to SOMETHING, ANYTHING happen. Unable to manage myself to get productive anything out of me, half due to be disregulated and half due to total system dysfunction of city resources. Feeling on the edge of my seat for calls that are unlikely to be returned. Just the scream function of si- just anything to make things no be the way they are- and I know that that doesn’t work- it will not make things not be the way they are. cannot try and solve the problem by making the problem worse. But where does that leave me? Backed in a little hole, voiceless, helpless. I can rationalize si a million ways so I should just stay out of rational mind. Stay in the body. Be good- I do not want to be good. I want to be very very bad. My therapist would direct that toward non-destructive ways to express rebellion. I’m sort of at a loss…… I just want to be the cause of any effect.