I’m done. I gave up talking to pretty much everyone, albeit one person. It’s nearly impossible to stop talking to her, as much as I think I have to. I stopped texting everyone I usually do, and the one person I thought I could depend onto make me change my mind about it all did the exact opposite; she said that she wouldn’t stand in my way if I was going to withdraw from everyone. She said that she wishes I would find someone to keep me stable and keep me company, and when I said that having someone like that was all I wanted (implying her) she told me that she was sorry, but she can’t be that friend.
Maybe I’m making things out to be a lot worse, maybe I just interpreted her sentence wrong. But given what everyone else is saying, I doubt it. It’s me, everyone stops talking and leaves me. I haven’t gone out of my way by doing this, just making the inevitable happen sooner. Out of everyone that I’m close with, only one person thinks that I’m not cranky or moody. I don’t see how I am.
People ask me something, then when I respond with a one word ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, they say the opposite of what I said, and I say ‘Okay, I’m not sure I guess.’ and they they say I’m being difficult to get a long with or cranky. Then they’ll call me useless or hateful and say call me a liar, then say ‘Oh why are you so cranky? Why are you so hard to get along with?’
Maybe packing my stuff and going away for a week or two is just what I need. I’ve been trying to go to the USA for the last year or so, then last week I was told not to go because the friend I was going to go see is going to be busy with school and stuff. So I gave up trying. Maybe I need to go. Not to the USA necessarily, but just somewhere. Somewhere and not be known or know anyone. It’s been a fantasy of mine for the last 3 or 4 years; move somewhere and not know anyone, make a new name and a new image for myself. All new friends. All new scenery. But it’s not realistic. When people say ‘you can’t run from your problems’ I was to reply with the most-possible firm ‘Watch me’. The song Hate Me by Blue October says ‘And I’ll drive so () far away that I never cross your mind, and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.’
I can’t help but think and feel that I’m a burden to everyone around me and that they’d be better off if I just disappeared for a while. Not suicide or anything, just move away and write letters or email letting them know I’m okay, but keep hidden. It’s not right, but it may be worth it right now.
All of this has led me to relapse 2 nights ago. Go figure.