I just need everything to stop. I need to stop – thinking, feeling, crying, SIing. I feel so incredibly stuck and without support. I feel selfish even writing about all this when there is so much bad going on, and I have a lot to be grateful for, but I am hoping that this is a safe place, and that I can talk about these selfish feelings.
I didn’t think ending counseling would hit me this hard. I have had counseling relationships end a few times, but this ending was out of my control. I didn’t want it to end, and I really liked my therapist. I feel completely abandoned and thrown to the side. She was one person I could count on to talk to face-to-face. Although it is her job to show up and show support, it was what I needed and it never seemed like it was “just her job”. Now I feel like I have no one and she is not available to even care. Starting therapy over with a new counselor feels too much of a chore right now. It feels too much to take on when all I want to do is stay in bed. I have tried reaching out to others to maybe see about talking “face to face”, but my invitations go unanswered or people are too busy. I get it…it’s is a busy time of year where people are spending time with family and friends, but it doesn’t make it feel any less hurtful to be brushed to the side.
I am miserable. I wish there was a switch to click to make everything better – to make things feel less heavy, emotional and scary. I wish I could turn my thoughts around because right now I feel they are taking me to dark places and all I want is to SI just just stop thinking and feeling, and to punish myself for all the thinking and feeling I have been doing.