I really feel like hurting myself!!!!! The house is a MESS there is dog hair everywhere. No matter how much a wash or vacuum there is always dog hair or cat hair. Usually it’s fine  but tonight on top of junk everywhere from cleaning out the spare room and dishes piled up because I’ve been too lazy to do them it’s driving me crazy! My cat is sick and I am taking her to the vet first thing in the morning. I am so scared, I don’t want to lose her. My boy cat Leo died from something similar a couple years ago because we didn’t catch it in time. Hopefully we caught this soon enough and she can take antibiotics if it’s an infection. How will I pay for something if it’s super expensive? I hope it’s nothing we can’t take care of. I’m so worried about her, she’s 13. I’m TIRED. I hate my job during the holidays. What happened in Connecticut is so unspeakably sad. I’ve wanted to blog about it, or talk about it, but I have no words. The words I do have I’m afraid to say out loud because maybe they are too gruesome or too much. I don’t know? I’m sure we’re all processing it in our own ways. I didn’t know there was something called secondary trauma from over exposure to the media for those of us who were smothered with the media after September 11th. I am currently in my room in my bed trying to breathe and stay calm and know there is nothing I can do until 8am tomorrow when the vet opens. It sounds so childish of me but I’m not leaving my room, the house is so overwhelming I just get angry and yell and I’m mean and I hate that me. Obviously nothing is going to get done if I don’t go do it! I REALLY miss my old ways of dealing with things. It caused me harm in the long run but for immediate crisis it seems to be a good idea. I wish I could get over this constant back and forth struggle to stay positive and healthy. I hope my kitty will be ok.