I am feeling upset. I’m feeling ashamed and confused. And I need to be a little careful not to keep making a pile of upset. I do not need to make things worse. I can work on handling emotion skillfully and what I am doing here is trying to talk myself through that, with a witness. I somehow need a witness, despite wishing that was not true. I am here trying to meet my need to be witnessed, and let some shame go by not holding it. Tricky– I know I am supposed to work with one emotion at a time but I see now just a pile of sorrow and loss. If they made magical crying pills and I could take the pill then cry and cry all day maybe I would feel better– if I didn’t tel myself that was “bad” to want to do because its too like acting out maybe I would feel better.
My teenage son has been living mostly with his Dad but he stopped by today. My vigilance around protecting myself from him slipped–maybe because he hasn’t been around much and maybe I so HATE living out of a safe. I will scream that and scream that and scream that HATE HATE HATE. Oh! Perhaps anger is what I am feeling– that makes sense as anger is the one that I tend to miss– the one that mis-managing of which has gotten me into so much trouble. I am furious. I am furious that he stole from me. And sad that he stole from me. And ashamed of feeling like he’s just a loss. I’m heart broken. Upset with the entire project of ever trying to love anyone.
Which is tangentially related to the trustworthiness of the entire human species. I like my dog.
It’s pretty mopey sounding and I am trying keep myself positive but maybe I just need to grieve. I feel grief around my relationship with my son.
And I didn’t know that I felt damaged until today– I joined an on-line dating site. I am upset by my own drive toward companionship–I wish I could make it go away. I don’t think now that I want to actually go on a date–two plus years since I got my husband out of the house and 16 years since I’ve been on a date. I’ve started to think that not all men are bad and abusive and that I might be strong enough to protect my boundaries– I didn’t foresee how damaged I’d feel. Grief there too….