I made all A’s in my first semester back in college. I’m proud of myself, kind of surprised with myself. Today is my 11 months sober. I haven’t self harmed in about two weeks. My therapist had to cancel our session because she is sick and when I hung up the phone I had some emotional outburst and laid in my bed crying for a while trying to sit with it, whatever “IT” is. What is it? I’m feeling ok though in general. I’ve been meeting some new people in recovery and forcing myself to be social and make new friends and reach out for help because I know I’ll drink soon if I don’t. I feel like I’m at a turning point and I can keep pushing forward or stay here and be miserable and wait for an excuse to drink. So, that’s where the making myself meet new people in AA/NA come in. I don’t know how I look to people on the outside but on the inside I feel sooooo awkward and shy. I revert back to the high school me hiding and eating lunch alone in the bathroom stall so no one would see me sitting alone. I did ok tonight though, I fought the urge to run out of the room full of people and I stayed put and smiled. I told a woman next to me who I sensed was also a little anxious that I was too and we got to talking. I don’t really feel like SI’ing tonight, the urge to drink died down once I laid in bed and I realize how tired I am. I wonder if that urge will ever go away. Sure it fades and flares up now and then, but will it ever not exist? I hope so. I get really tired of fighting the thoughts and want to give up and get it over with. Not tonight though, tonight I’m glad to be sober and SI free and back in school and gaining some self respect.