Like so many posts I’ve read on here, I never thought we’d be here. Today we discovered that our 12 year old daughter, “RR” in 7th gr – in a Catholic School S.I’s. She confided in her P.E. teacher and my husband who is my daughter’s step-dad, also works at the school. P.E. teacher told my husband that she asked RR why she looked so down today during class. RR didn’t immediately answer her but then came and told her that it had something to do with scissors. P.E. teacher asked her, is it what she thinks it is? and RR said yes.
RR has been in this same school since Kindergarten (it’s K-8) and since it is a private school, there is only one class per grade. Meaning she has had the same classmates forever! This group of girls have always been a problem with RR. In Sept. 2011, I sent an email to the homeroom teacher to inform her that RR was being bullied and what specifically was being said to RR from these individuals. I was given the response that it would be taken care of and that the students as a whole, would be reminded of their anti-bullying contracts that they signed.
Here we are a year later and I discover my baby girl SI because of these same girls. She tells me that she’s tired of being excluded. She says that party invitations are being handed out RIGHT in front of her, even while the school’s policy clearly states that the whole class should be invited – if they’re passed out at school. She says that the group have a secret language that they clearly talk about her again, RIGHT in front of her and the list goes on and on. She’s not fat at all but she’s got some meat on her bones and no offense to anyone but the school is predominantly asian, we are latinos. They call her fat. She is ashamed and the hardest part is that she has begun to hang around the grade lower than hers because the “friend” pickings is so limited. She is intelligent, beautiful, extremely sensitive and shy.
I am heartbroken. After my husband & I talked with her tonight, she didn’t say much but we were able to get a few responses to either questions or reactions. She says she does regret doing it and won’t do it again. We have assured her that she has our full attention and whatever it takes, we will help her. But what can we do to help her? We told her that changing schools might be a quick fix but even as adults, there are people who want to hurt others.
She is wanting to “talk to someone” so first thing in the morning, I will go to her school and I am so angry, I want to raise (you know what) but again, it’s a Catholic school and again, also my husband’s employer. He says he doesn’t care and would rather have no job than no daughter. 🙁
What do we do? I’m venting, I don’t know where to turn so I discovered your site on google and reading your posts, am also finding comfort that we are not alone. But now what? Is this something that we have to live with forever? Will she be tempted to do it again? I know it’s her cry for help. This is mine.
Hi, sumol,
First, let me just say how glad I am that you are reaching out to help your daughter. To you it may be something that you didn’t even have to think about, but too many parents do nothing.
I’m 19 and believe me, I know how vicious girls can be. I can only imagine how hard it is for RR having the same set of classmates all through school. I’m sure it’s a very good school, but I think it would be better for her if she had a fresh start with a new chance to make friends. Switching schools can be hard, but i think it’s a better alternative to being in a constanrly negative environment. I’m sure she is beautiful, talented, and sweet. She deserves to be treated with the respect and kindness. In order for her to reach her full potential, she needs to be in a nurturing environment.
Even if the school and her teachers are trying to keep an eye out for bullying, children find ways around it and just become better at hiding it and being passive agressive–like the secret language they came up with to talk about her right in front of her. I’m aure you would love to march right up to the parents of those girls and give them a piece of your mind.
For your daughter’s sake and general well-being, I really believe that she should go to a different school. Since she will have the same classmates for years to come, I don’t think that keeping her in a place that makes her want to hurt herself is a food idea. I know that changing schools isn’t a perfect solution. There will always be bullies. However, at a different school, she can be around a different set of people and have a chance to make new friends her own age. Since she is so young, the self harm may not have weaseled its way into a full blown addiction yet. With help and stopping the behavior now, there is no reason that she should struggle with this for the rest of her life. She is not alone and neither are you and your husband. I know this is hard on all of you right now, but there is hope and endless possibilities for the future. Reaching out is just the first step. I hope I at least helped a little bit. If you have any questions, I’ll gladly listen.
It really differs from person to person whether they will deal with it forever or not. I have a friend who used to SI when she was in middle school and stopped in high school, and hasn’t had a problem since. She is now a senior in college.
I, on the other hand, didn’t start injuring until high school and I am a junior in college and still struggle with it. So really, no one can make that judgement yet.
You’ve said a lot here and if I were to touch on each point, my comment would be really long. I would love to talk to you, though, so if you want to email me, I’d be willing to talk to you. My parents found out in March about everything and my mothers reaction was awful, so I can give you advice on how to treat your daughter now that you know based on my own experience.
visiblyperfectinvisiblyscarred@gmail.com
Hope to hear from you soon.
i don’t know how to respond to the messages i’ve received. they are in a spam folder and I put “not spam” but they are still there…
Thank you for replying to my post.
I am impressed with barelybyhope and agree with everything she says. Don’t think you are going to change the behaviour of a whole group of kids any time soon. Get your daughter out of the school NOW, before her SI becomes an addiction. … and keep her in touch with a therapist to make sure things stay on track.
At the same time don’t blame the school, sometimes social dynamics evolve and are hard to control. I see no reason for you husband to feel uncomfortable with his job at the school.
I strongly believe in theripy. A good one that actually deals with girls that SI. This is the beginning to long life of SI, so if u can get her the help she needs now it may change her adult hood. maybee think of S.A.F.E Alternatives program.
Connie
As an adult who as a child went threw so much with parents over reacting and shoving me into therapy that never worked, I see both sides and every situation is different, I see a parent struggling to find out why and how they can help.
Its wonderful that she is reaching out for help even the small steps are huge steps in trying to reach out for help with this. This needs to be what she needs to control for the most part, keep her in the loop, let her decide if she wants to switch schools or not, let her decide her therapist. Do the research of therapist out there. Find someone who deals with Self-injury. Someone that you think and your daughter thinks can help with the self-injury. Give her pro-cons of other schools. Let he know that its an option, and it wouldn’t be much to switch her.
With a therapist that knows how to deal with Self-injury and a change in schools, might be a big help
My 14 year old has been self injuring for about 1 month, for different reasons than your child. I sympathize with you. I felt helpless, sad and lost. My child and I are in therapy. We were told an important step is having the child open up about SI and wanting to stop. The scariest part for me is that my child may have to live with this struggle for the rest of her life. I take one day at a time, trying to keep myself calm and the stress level low. I hope your daughter has friends outside of school who are supportive. Be strong.