I’m feeling absolutely frantic right now. I’m not really sure what set me off but I’m totally on edge right now. I feel really anxious and so alone … really alone. I just told the only person that has stood by me for the last few years, enduring my tantrums, my mood swings, and my absolute irrationality that we shouldn’t talk anymore. I feel like I’m in a panic and I’m spiraling out of control. I just removed the only person that I can confide in, the only person who truly knows me. I know it was the right thing to do though, I don’t deserve his company or his support or anyone’s for that matter. I understand that it was a necessity but it’s completely knocked me off my feet. I didn’t fully realize that he was the only one that I had left until after I removed myself from him. I know that I have to do this by myself, that I can’t allow myself to depend on others, I can’t allow myself to get help. Knowing this isn’t helping me with the situation though. I’m terrified of going through the future all by myself, but I know it’s all I deserve. The panic and anxiety have now set in and are taking their toll, I can’t turn to anyone for comfort yet I feel the inconsolable need for comfort. This isn’t quite what I pictured being on my own like. I didn’t realize that I would be a panic stricken mess or that my will power to not SI would totally crumble. I guess this is just another lesson of why I can’t build dependencies on people that arent for me to keep. I don’t deserve the friendship and aquaintence with other people and I should have known better than to build one for a few years.