I find myself in a state of depression. It seemed to happen when I was focusing on everything else in life. But the other morning it hit me. I was at work opening boxes and it just hit me – I wanted to cry, something I never do, especially outside of my own room. I don’t know how to be happy at this moment. The other night I was at home alone and I got scared. I know what I am capable of doing and I got scared knowing that I wanted to do something. I didn’t. But that ache is still there. I am just scared of me sometimes – and I want to prove that there is a reason why I am scared. I want to test myself – if that makes sense.
I am just so confused and alone. I feel like a fraud. I feel bad for my selfish thoughts and behaviors. Maybe it’s the time of year. Everyone seems so happy, excited and there are these images of perfect families and warm moments. Then I think about my past, holidays that were far from that image, and I think of now – certainly better, but not what I had expected. I think I am just being selfish. I have a lot. Why is it so hard to appreciate that? Does anyone else feel like this?
I wish I didn’t have to end counseling. I think that is contributing a lot to all of this. What am I supposed to do? I just want to be heard and it is so frustrating when I don’t have that. It makes me feel incredibility hopeless about having support. I just want to resort to old, unhealthy behaviors and I don’t care about the consequences.