Hey everyone…

I feel as though I’m at my absolute weakest I’ve been in almost a year…

I’ve been SI free for about a year. A lot has happened recently that has me on the fast track to screwing it up… My grandfather had a stroke 4 years ago and he survived it. He has needed complete care by my grandmother since then. He had brain surgery a few years back after the stroke to remove a tumor that wasn’t cancer because he was having seizures.

He had another seizure while I was on Thanksgiving break… And I’m not even going to get into the ER visit for that one. It was a nightmare.. Who knew people could be so rude to patients and the family?! I digress… He ended up getting an MRI and he has a fast growing tumor in the same place as the old one.. The doctors won’t say it’s “cancer”, but I strongly think it is…

I’ve been very close with my grandparents since I was very little.. This is heartbreaking. On top of that… My grandmother needs to have heart surgery to fix a valve that isn’t working properly..

I don’t know how to feel.. What to feel.. I’ve been fairly happy for the last year. Perfect boyfriend. Great friends. I’m doing great in school. I haven’t felt negativity in a long time…

I went to my therapist this week and I don’t really remember much.. My head is spinning and I can’t make sense of things when I’m trying to think or when people are talking to me.. Which is making classes physically painful because I can’t get it.

I feel like I’m falling back into depression and anxiety… I feel very dark.. I don’t want to talk to people.. Don’t want to leave my room.. I just want to sleep because sleep is where I can get away from reality, even if only for a moment…

I’m very close to caving into my desires to SI.. Very close… Before and after my session with my therapist (who really has helped me so much..) I distracted myself to calm me down enough to think somewhat straight…

I’m miserable. That’s what I do know.. My therapist said I need to explore my emotions that I’m suppressing, but I’m afraid that if I do… And they hurt (as I suspect they will).. I don’t want to SI, but part of me wants it so badly….

It scares me. It calms me. I hurt, but no one will ever hear me scream.. I have to keep myself held together. SI was the way I did so before… It’s a hell of a lot harder now…

I don’t know what I want from anyone reading this… I don’t want apologies or pity… I just don’t know… I told my therapist that, too… I’m confused…