Well I would be lying if i said i wasnt thinking of si right now.  i want to si just to feel something other than tired.  i want to be able to say i dont have any plans.   i want to be able to go out and shop and not worry about where the money is coming from.  i just want so much and i feel so selfish for even thinking that.  i sit here in my warm room, with my designer blankets, my tv, my fireplace, and i say shallow things like this.  i know im shallow and it drives me crazy.  but then again, im not.  i work hard to drive a new car.  my parents work hard to give me this.  but deep down i feel like im never happy.  dont get me wrong, i love it all.  i just dont feel happy.  maybe its the 18 hour work days between two jobs.  maybe its the last two weeks of school.  the undecidedness of what to do after my bachelors degree.  i should have my masters program all set up and picked out but im almost too scared to look.  im not an idiot.  i do well in school.  yet im terrified of starting a new chapter.  what if im just one of those people who goes through school and ends up being a dead beat?  what if im a failure?  what if i reach my educational goals but never my career goals?  was psychology the wrong field?  no i dont think so.  i love it.  the human mind, behaviors, addictions, everything about it amazes me.  so no, its not the wrong degree choice.  but then again, idk.  i really honestly dont know.  i try to do all these relaxing things, i plan them out, and i can never find the time for them.  if only i didnt need sleep!! im not stressed though.  i can easily say i am not stressed.  but i know if i si right now ill sleep so well, and wake up so refreshed.  i wont though.  out of sheer laziness im not going to.  maybe another night.  these thoughts are exhausting.