Things are weirdly bad. It is a hectic time in life and things keep adding on an already massive pile – car accidents, arguments, safety issues at work, etc… It is hard to keep my “head up”. Is is hard to function. It is very hard to make the decision to not SI. But I want to SI – very much and I want it to be “serious”.
I went to counseling yesterday. It helps, but I only have two more sessions left and then I am stuck on my own again. You are only allowed so many sessions at the university and my time is up – I have used my sessions. So now that I have opened myself up, trusted a counselor and been completely honest – honest to her than any other counselor I have ever had – I have to say goodbye. She is one of the best counselors I have had and I am forced to leave that. It is very upsetting. Again, I open the door, take down my wall a little and find support and compassion, but then nothing. I am stuck with dealing with my exposed self on my own. It makes me want to SI – very badly. I don’t want to do this on my own anymore. I found a bit of support in my counselor, but that will be gone. I almost don’t even want to go back to these last two sessions because I am afraid of how I will feel when I have to say goodbye to that compassion and support. It’s a bit funny, really. In cousneling one of the things I talked about was not having support and feeling that when I do, it is hard to trust it because it goes away (like with friends drifting away, etc.) and now this just reaffirms all of those negative feelings and fears. She (my counselor) said something about a referral to another counselor in the community. But even with my husband’s insurance I would still be paying a lot out of pocket and right not I am not sure we can deal with taking that money becuase of our financial situaiton. Plus I don’t want to have to go through all the motions to trust another therapist and all that when the one I have is great and the best therapeutic relationship I have ever had.
I don’t know how to do this on my own right now and I don’t want to do it on my own.
I feel an ache and saddness that is so deep right now, it is hard to move forward in life. I need someone to care, to have a cup of coffee and just talk with me. I need a comforting hug. Most of all, sometimes I think I just need a break. I am looking for an excuse to take that break.