I was thinking lately about how much BETTER my life has definitely gotten to be since this time last year, and even though it’s 100,000,000 times better, I still have the save vultures on my shoulders. I was literally holding myself on the way home from work one night because I wanted to SI SO BADLY I didn’t think I could walk home! I don’t know exactly what makes me feel so overwhelmed with that urge from time to time…..but it’s still inside, Sleeping…sitting in my nerves just waiting for any small event to set me off. Through a recent doctor’s appointment, she (my doctor) suggested I see a counselor. She noticed my old SI’s. I was so uncomfortable it actually put me in a bad place at the very mention. I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting face to face with someone and bearing all of my dirty, horrible, nightmare-ish thoughts. The number one person I’ve been able to Be open and honest with, without it coming back to haunt me has only so far been my boyfriend. I’m so grateful for the fact he’s never made me feel self-conscious or embarrassed about my Si. I KNOW from experience it’s all too rare. Best friends have wanted me locked up. Family thought I was nuts. And my closest family excused it without a second thought, just because I “shouldn’t have ever started doing it in the first place”. Unfortunately that doesn’t help me. Same Old Demons…Just different places to show up..