the thoughts, the urges, everything has come back with a vengance. I feel like I need to si right now. ive been wanting to go to bed for the last hour, but i have kept myself busy cleaning and showering to take my mind off the si. but i cant. i want to so bad tonight. the urges havent been this bad in a long time. i wish it was just easy to give in. to just go back to old habits.
im so stressed out, I know thats what it is. school is almost over, i have less than two weeks, and i am slacking! I am almost done with my bachelors degree and i have started to slack! less than two weeks and i start skipping assignments. its like im afraid of finishing school. its like i dont want it to end. but i am soooo ready. im so ready to have a holiday where i dont have to log into class to check in on a thing! and this christmas, thats how itll be! but gosh, i cant get there! i just need to get through this. its only 13 more days. i can do this. i really can.
im working three jobs for the holidays, to be able to clean up some credit cards ive managed to fill. I never have time for myself. there is never a day where there is nothing scheduled in some time. even saturdays i have volunteer, so I am giving my free time away….for free. but thats ok, because its good for my future. its what I want to eventually do.
I miss reading. i used to read so much. and in this whole process of trying to occupy my mind i finally found a solution to this. I get up at 615 every morning anyway, and i dont have to be at work until 745, so instead of just hanging out in bed, Im going to go to starbucks, enjoy a fresh cup of coffee and read for a little less than an hour. Sure it takes away from my sleep. sure its an extra two bucks everyday I dont need to be spending, but you know what? when i read, im happy. when i read i get taken away to places i wish i could be. in relationships that make me so happy i could cry. in places where the sadness is so overwhelming where I just want to cry. I need to feel these emotions again, and i hide them so well in my normal life, that the fiction novels really do help me. I know thats silly. I know its silly to losing myself, but this is what i have realized i need. Its the one thing i used to do for myself, and i dont anymore. i dont do anything to make me happy. shopping is great, but i dont really NEED anything. I keep buying stuff I dont need with money i dont have. So I figure $10 a week for coffee is cheaper, and I get that time for myself.
i guess tomorrow morning is something to look forward to. something to keep my mind off si. I wish I could just si right now, cuz i know ill sleep better. but tomorrow is a long day, if i give in tonight, i know ill just give in tomorrow too. so im staying strong tonight, and hopefully tomorrow, i can keep this resistance up. I hope i can.
maybe one day ill wake up, and realize this was all a dream, and that si was never a problem. ha!