the thoughts, the urges, everything has come back with a vengance.  I feel like I need to si right now.  ive been wanting to go to bed for the last hour, but i have kept myself busy cleaning and showering to take my mind off the si.  but i cant.  i want to so bad tonight.  the urges havent been this bad in a long time.  i wish it was just easy to give in.  to just go back to old habits.

im so stressed out, I know thats what it is.  school is almost over, i have less than two weeks, and i am slacking! I am almost done with my bachelors degree and i have started to slack! less than two weeks and i start skipping assignments.  its like im afraid of finishing school.  its like i dont want it to end.  but i am soooo ready.  im so ready to have a holiday where i dont have to log into class to check in on a thing! and this christmas, thats how itll be! but gosh, i cant get there! i just need to get through this.  its only 13 more days.  i can do this. i really can.

im working three jobs for the holidays, to be able to clean up some credit cards ive managed to fill.  I never have time for myself.  there is never a day where there is nothing scheduled in some time.  even saturdays i have volunteer, so I am giving my free time away….for free.  but thats ok, because its good for my future.  its what I want to eventually do.

I miss reading. i used to read so much.  and in this whole process of trying to occupy my mind i finally found a solution to this.  I get up at 615 every morning anyway, and i dont have to be at work until 745, so instead of just hanging out in bed, Im going to go to starbucks, enjoy a fresh cup of coffee and read for a little less than an hour.  Sure it takes away from my sleep.  sure its an extra two bucks everyday I dont need to be spending, but you know what?  when i read, im happy.  when i read i get taken away to places i wish i could be.  in relationships that make me so happy i could cry.  in places where the sadness is so overwhelming where I just want to cry.  I need to feel these emotions again, and i hide them so well in my normal life, that the fiction novels really do help me.  I know thats silly.  I know its silly to losing myself, but this is what i have realized i need.  Its the one thing i used to do for myself, and i dont anymore.  i dont do anything to make me happy.  shopping is great, but i dont really NEED anything. I keep buying stuff I dont need with money i dont have.  So I figure $10 a week for coffee is cheaper, and I get that time for myself.

i guess tomorrow morning is something to look forward to.  something to keep my mind off si.  I wish I could just si right now, cuz i know ill sleep better.  but tomorrow is a long day, if i give in tonight, i know ill just give in tomorrow too.  so im staying strong tonight, and hopefully tomorrow, i can keep this resistance up.  I hope i can.

maybe one day ill wake up, and realize this was all a dream, and that si was never a problem.  ha!