143 days gone, it’s all down the drains. I want to cry right not but being in college and having a roommate makes it impossible. I screwed up, i became so depressed and i tried to fight the thoughts but i couldn’t any more. I know i could have left my room and distracted myself but i was stupid. My friend was sooo proud of me for reaching such a long period without SI.. guess what, i failed her. If she ever found out she would be upset and disappointed, i’m scared to receive a text from her because i don’t think i’ll be able to respond even if it is a simple hey. I feel like i let everyone down. There’s no hope and everyone should just give up and walk away.
I have another friend who texted me hours ago saying her mom contacted a treatment facility that we went to in the summer for our eating disorders. She’s 19 and in a sense was forced to go to the hospital by her mom because she hasn’t been eating and is feeling sick. I’ve known her for 8 years and we’re both Sophomore in college. I have an eating disorder and we both entered around the same time, i was at the treatment facility 2 weeks before her. I was just in the intensive outpatient program, they wanted me in partial hospitalization but my insurance didn’t cover. I mean i’ve been discharged since July and i’m still struggle and getting routine check ups. Then after that message with my friend i started to hate myself. I started thinking how abnormal i am. Maybe i’m selfish because i SI and i have ED but i don’t think about the other people in my life. I ruined everything and i always seem to ruin things for people. While i was in Intensive outpatient, i found out my mom cried because she didn’t know how to help. I’m destroying everyone that surrounds me. I’m really sorry, why be around me if i’m only going to cause problems. Why bother?