I can’t do this anymore! This constant fighting. I’ve done everything AA has told me, I’ve reached out!!! I’ve prayed earnestly and asked for this insanity for alcohol to be taken away and it’s not and I can’t keep fighting it. It’s exhausting and I’m done. If I had the right tools right now I’d fix this and I would get it out of me!!! There have been times when I’ve had serenity and relief over the last year, and it was amazing. It IS amazing, it’s a miracle and I know it’s possible, I do. No I don’t. I don’t know what I know or don’t know. I feel like I’m going to actually explode with rage or sadness or urges to act out in ways that will hurt me. I want to take all the pills in my house to stop me from hurting myself with SI or alcohol. I want to be tied down and not mess this up! I want to call my therapist and even though I know she’d want me to call no matter the time if I felt this seriously ill, I can’t because I’m tired of reaching out for help. I feel completely stupid and I’m so vulnerable and open to help all the time. I can’t do this perfect all the time! I mess up and Im messed up now and I want relief from the pressure. Self injury did not give me that relief today. I already feel like I need to do it more severely and it’s only been one week! Already the effectiveness is waning and it’s scaring me and I’m afraid of myself and sometimes everyone else! Paranoia is a huge trigger for me. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy so I don’t talk about some of the things I actually think and believe sometimes. People would laugh in my face. A psychiatrist might not laugh but they would prescribe me some more pills that would suck me dry of feelings. I don’t know what else to do right now, RIGHT now. I feel desperate. If I don’t want to relapse then my option is to sit here with this and every minute I sit here I feel like someone is hurting me. I have never wanted to fill my body with as much alcohol and drugs and injure myself as terribly as I do right now. I feel like I’m screaming but I’m not.