I am having a very difficult time keeping everything in check – with me, what I am supposed to be doing (going to work, school, being a good wife, etc), and what I am supposed to be feeling. These past weeks I feel like I am fighting to keep things okay. I feel an old, horrible pattern starting, and I am keeping it all a secret and acting as if nothing is happening. But something is happening and I feel horrible.
I get so angry at myself and I don’t know how to handle that anger. I get angry at myself for being insecure, for allowing past mistakes to come back in my mind and affect me. I get mad at myself for neglecting my school and real work. I get angry for neglecting my husband. My anger becomes self-hatred. I SI to make all the things wrong right again. But then I get angry for SIing.
There are so many people out there who deal with so much more so why am I making such a big deal out of all this. Why can’t I see how good I have it and move on with life. I get so angry when I think about this too…this thought has been in my mind when SI. I need to punish myself for being so selfish and wanting something (right now compassion and support) when there are so many people out there who need it much more.
I am unsure of continuing counseling at the moment. It is very difficult to get that support and compassion right now. It brings up way too many emotions and I am having a hard time handling it right now. I long for that support and compassion but I feel like I do not deserve it – if that makes any sense. It makes me feel very guilty to experience that when I feel like I did so much that was wrong, and there are so many people out there who didn’t do anything wrong who need that compassion and support so much more than I do. It feels like I am wanting something that I do not deserve.