I have been laying awake, just feeling so emotionally safe and warm. I first had the thought of writing here this morning. I was showering and suddenly noticed my fantasies. I had been daydreaming about winning some award or something like that- something really positive and it was making me feel positive and I didn’t pull away. I recall reading something where it was mentioned in passing that fantasies tend to be positive, because why fantasize about something distressing. I took that to mean that most people have very different fantasy lives than I do. I felt, and continue to feel, to a lesser degree, ashamed that my fantasies tend to be about – well- I sooth myself in my thoughts with harm and with remembering particularly distressing stuff- it calms me. Or maybe that’s normal…. I guess I am working toward bringing it up with my therapist. It seems a little neither here nor there how “normal” it is to do that. But something about being in a really good mood and having positive fantasies is related. That’s where my sense of well- being began, but it’s only built through the day. It feels really fresh- like a positive turn. A slightly different sense of self- a self that’s a little more powerful. Not particularly under threat. I’m really trying to be mindful of it. Though I do want it to let up enough to let me sleep… Instead I’m suddenly hungry. It feels good be enjoying being alive- to feel connected and discerning – a little in control of my own experience -and it also feels a little sad and rich. I am able to get teary with the richness of holding some sadness. It feels so good not to disconnect.
It sounds like you are working hard and have a good therapist to work with.
It CAN be upsetting and seem different to think about the fact that “distressing” stuff calms you. But I can tell you that I’m sure there are reasons for that, and that the reasons and subject is important to discuss with your therapist when and if you are ready. How wonderful that you are able to even consider sharing such a personal thing – that is something to be proud of yourself for.
Best wishes as you continue working hard and healing.
Pam (Clinical Therapist)