I have been laying awake, just feeling so emotionally safe and warm. I first had the thought of writing here this morning. I was showering and suddenly noticed my fantasies. I had been daydreaming about winning some award or something like that- something really positive and it was making me feel positive and I didn’t pull away. I recall reading something where it was mentioned in passing that fantasies tend to be positive, because why fantasize about something distressing. I took that to mean that most people have very different fantasy lives than I do. I felt, and continue to feel, to a lesser degree, ashamed that my fantasies tend to be about – well- I sooth myself in my thoughts with harm and with remembering particularly distressing stuff- it calms me. Or maybe that’s normal…. I guess I am working toward bringing it up with my therapist. It seems a little neither here nor there how “normal” it is to do that. But something about being in a really good mood and having positive fantasies is related. That’s where my sense of well- being began, but it’s only built through the day. It feels really fresh- like a positive turn. A slightly different sense of self- a self that’s a little more powerful. Not particularly under threat. I’m really trying to be mindful of it. Though I do want it to let up enough to let me sleep… Instead I’m suddenly hungry. It feels good be enjoying being alive- to feel connected and discerning – a little in control of my own experience -and it also feels a little sad and rich. I am able to get teary with the richness of holding some sadness. It feels so good not to disconnect.