I know I seem to be writing a bit more on this blog than usual, but I just need to get this stuff out there, and maybe see if somone else has experienced something similar.
I have started on this journey (again) of processing my past, of processing emotions and how I feel about myself. I realized, with the help of my very compassionate counselor, that part of the reason why I keep so much buried and why I resort to SI, is becuase I have no emotional support. I find I cannot share my emotions and how I really feel with people becuase I don’t have anyone to share with. (of course I have my husband, but he and I have been down this road before, and I find myself distancing from him with things like this to protect him – but that’s another issue).
I have never experienced real compassion around my past issues with the abuse, SI, depression, etc. I had no support from friends or family. I learned to keep things very tight and close to myself becuase I learned I couldn’t talk to or get that support from anyone. I either got rejected or I burden people. – so in effort not to burden people I learned SI to help with keeping everything close. I learned that my feelings and experiences were not important enough to matter – like when I was a kid and authorities found about about the abuse, nothing was done after I faced the humiliation of recounting details to these official people I did not know. The close friends I have drifted away and part of me felt it was because maybe that I burdened them too much with my issues.
Now that I am back in counseling and in my educational program at school, there have been a few instances of true compassion that I have felt very recently that make me increadibly emotional, sad and confused. There are no words to describe what that compassion feels like after years of being shut away or people not caring. Now that I feel bits of real support I get so scared. I am fearful of becoming attached to how good compassion can feel. I get scared that if I start to like it and feel good then it will go away and I will lose it again and then I will have that feeling that I lost something great. I get scared of what the compassion brings out in me as far as digging deeper into my past and touching on those very personal and very private issues. I am working on developing more self-compassion toward myself, but it is not the same as getting support from another person.
It feels so good to have someone seem like they genuinely care, but at the end of the day, and in the back of my mind, I know it can’t last. So I then have to remind myself that I still need to learn to take care of myself, on my own, and not rely on other people. -Hence SI becomes involved with this process. But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to SI.
These small bits of support I am recieving feel so special to me that it scares me.
It is increadilby hard to keep everything so close and build up these huge walls only to let them down, see a bit of light in the form of compassion, but then the wall has to be built up again. At times I wonder if the support I recieve now is even worth it, knowing it cannot last and having to say good-bye to it. It makes me increadilby sad to think about.