I need to admit this to someone… I have been lying – or at least keeping the truth hidden. I have been SIing. After 3 year of effectively choosing not to SI and using other, healthier ways to deal, I have now chosen to believe that I need to SI. I need some way to punish myself for my past, what people have done to me that I believed I caused. I need to punish myself for thinking negative things. And I need to punish myself to make right all the things I am doing wrong now that make me a bad person.
My mind is filled with so may thoughts and feelings and it is hard to sort through. It has been like this for a while now. I recognized the patterns. I saw myself preparing to SI and imagined the act until I finally took action and did it.
I feel rather messed up right now and I am not sure what direction to go. I really need to talk to someone who understands, but due to scheduling I have to wait a bit before my next counseling session. But I couldn’t wait that long keeping this secret. I can’t keep that shameful feeling to myself.
In my messed up thinking I find myself rationalizing the decision to SI. I am accepting it again as something that is okay. I don’t want this to be part of my life, but now that I welcomed it back in, I am having a difficult time trying to push it away again.
It was easier to not think and feel.