I am noticing that I feel so much more shame that I should.. though I recognize the trouble with “should.” What happened just now is that at work I saw one thing on the company website– something that would have personal financial consequences for me. I have felt good all week thinking this thing was true. It’s made me feel more secure. Some of it was true–all is not lost. The company has been closed all week due to the storm but I was in touch with this today and I learned that not everything that was posted was true. It’s a company with which I have some affiliation- and I am moving on from- going back to school and whatnot- but they are a little shady sometimes and the stuff on line was a lie. I had believed it all week. In my book, it’s a new low for them– though they presented it as trying to create buzz, and keeping up with the market. Now I am feeling anger. I am very angry. When I this post I did not feel anger. I felt ashamed- like I am just a piece of trash for believing that x is true. But I don’t think that is true. I think it is true that lying is harmful. And I think I was lied to– I did not do anything wrong. I repeat for myself (self, please listen to me)– you did not do anything wrong. Furthermore, self, though I have heard you call yourself names– none that is true- it is only a reflection of your goodness that it wouldn’t occur to you that they were lying. When other people lie, that is not a thing that you did. You are separate. And though I know your safety feels threatened by the financial consequence of this, I also know that you have all the resources you need to take care of yourself. You are safe and you are well.
Before this happened I found myself furious with my son. I just couldn’t deal anymore and went to lay (lie?) down, pull the covers over my head. Get away from him because he was not doing the thing he was supposed to do. All I could really do is wait it out. But after having excellent concentration all week because he hasn’t been around much, I couldn’t work. I just felt trapped– in line behind his non-action. Powerless.
I was lying down, feeling all retreated into myself. Like that unmovable object I used to be, often. Curled into a ball. A non-person. Just a little vortex without language. When I was lying there today I recognized that what I was feeling was anger. It makes sense but I never knew that so well before. I could sort of direct it in or out of me too. I could internalize for a minute, then, still lay there and be still, but emotionally direct the feeling outward. I could move it back and forth- inward and outward.
That feels like a big accomplishment. When I had it directed outward I felt it as a tightness in my upper chest. When I had it directed inward I could feel it in my favorite place to injure– a pressure there that I can only explain as it “hurting”– and then I would have to injure it to stop it from hurting. But if I stayed with the anger the urge evaporated. The place the emotion was in my body was different.
The only thought I can after that is that I really miss my therapist. And I miss my mediation teacher.
My city is together enough from storm “healing” that I could have gone into work today but it would have been a pain. I still could go…. But after a week of solitude it feel very difficult to rejoin the moving world.
It’s still confusing to me that I could have a difficult day after a blissful week. I would like to look for something to do that would reset my day. I think showering and walking the dog would very good for me. I have no desire to do either but maybe I will just do it out of faith.