I am struggling with the ability to be even remotely self compassionate right now. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say sounds stupid and unintelligent, and everyone is negatively judging me. I do not have confidence in myself and I am blowing up situations into disasters and the disasters are all my fault. I am doing stupid things and that makes me a bad person – at least that is how I am seeing things right now. I am having a hard time accepting limitations and forgiving myself. In the big scheme of things all the stuff I think I am doing wrong is relatively minor, but to me… It just means I am a screw up and deserve to punish myself. These thoughts have been so severe lately that I find myself planning to SI. I even bought stuff and placed things where they would be accessible.
What in the world if going on with me. I haven’t SIed in years. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth talking bringing up past issues in counseling anymore. It makes these shameful feelings so intense – not just about stuff when I was younger, but everyday stuff too. If I don’t deal with my past now,I understand it will never get resolved, but it is hard to stay safe when I feel like everything is my fault.
My new counselor is great, but I have to use the University services because I can’t afford an outside person right now. Again I feel like she and I are connecting but she is always booked and it is hard to find a time to meet that works with my schedule. It is hard to open up and spill out all this stuff I try so hard to bury and then I find myself having to wait weeks before I can see her again. I am getting more open to talking, but now I am finding myself shutting down because I hate how I feel in between the sessions. I have so much I am thinking about and dealing with and I am trying to handle it without SI but it is hard. I am open to talking and feel like now that things are in the open I am ready to do some real work, but now no one is available to listen -except once a month.
Sorry for the long rant… I just needed to vent and talk.