hello everyone. i haven’t written in a little while, but i find i usually feel better when i do, so here it goes.
about a month ago i started going through a really rough time. it’s a long and complicated story which is not the point of this post, so i’m not going to go into details right now, but basically i lost a lot very quickly. i hadn’t SI’d in about a year, and all of a sudden everything came back full force and i was powerless to resist. i SI’d, stopped eating, drove everyone away, and prepared to end my life. However, something in me knew this wasn’t right. I heard a song that reminded me of who I truly am and inspired me to try to pick myself up and try to continue on with the healthy life I had built over the past year.
I’ve been doing pretty well, although every day is a fight. I haven’t SI’d in almost two weeks and I’m eating normally again, but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I’ve lost nearly all of my friends and am currently in my first semester of college, so I don’t have any really close connections here. I just feel so empty and scared. I go back and forth from feeling absolutely nothing, to feeling almost happy and normal, to being panicked and desperate for anyone at all to show that they care even slightly. It is at these moments that I feel as though I can’t stay strong any longer.
Counseling has never helped me and I have no family to turn to. I’m not sure what to do anymore.