I am not sure how to write this because it always sounds odd when I say it, but here it is anyway…

I am seeing a new counselor. Lately things in life have been shoving a lot of past issues in my face – mainly issues of abuse as a kid. In counseling this is a particularly difficult and very private issue for me to address. It is an issue that I force so deep that it takes a lot to bring up and when it is brought up it feels like it takes so much energy to push back where I want it to belong – hence this is where I felt SI was useful. Anyway..in situations in which I open myself up to stuff I find myself defending my abusers. I want to protect them…from what I do not know. It is okay for me to say negative things about them, but no one else can. And then after I talk and the counselor says, “yeah, that was not okay for them to do”, I feel a huge wave of guilt and shame. I feel like I just threw my abusers “under the bus” and now people are judging them. I need validation that what they did was wrong, but I also have a desperate need to defend them. It is confusing, and I am having a hard time addressing this confusion while trying to push issues back where I want them to belong – far, far away.

I am also defending SI. The urge has been very strong and I don’t want to talk about it because talking about it means addressing those feelings and someone telling me other things to do. I get it. I know more useful ways to deal with things, but SI is something that was mine and I had it for so long. Why can’t I have it now?