I’m having a hard time staying in the moment and staying healthy and not just quitting. Quitting “recovery”? That sounds weird but it seems right. Just quit, stop trying. It’s hard!!! Especially right now with all this stress and her being in so much pain and there is nothing I can do. I was studying for a test earlier and woke up with my face in my book, I didn’t even realize I was that tired. Every time I get in my car I get a stomach ache really bad and I feel sick and irritable. Like I posted a couple nights ago I want to SI, the kind of urge that is intense and won’t budge! It’s driving me crazy and I just want to do it to stop the thoughts and the urge. Sometimes it feels physical, like an exciting sensation. Exciting all over and in big waves and then it’s not exciting all, it’s longing and I miss it. I went through the whole ritual yesterday, from hiding away in private to cleaning to holding the tool to my skin. I didn’t plan on going through with it, I just missed it and so I went that far. Then I got that tingling good exciting feeling inside and then I got scared I’d really do it then I put it away. What is going on 🙁 I’m doing this to myself and now I feel ashamed and stupid because I let myself do that and feel good for a second. REALLY good and I liked it and I feel alone and uncomfortable and stressed out and scared and I am not feeling hopeful. I want to be comforted 🙁