Do I really know what happiness is? I know without a doubt
what sadness is. I think it has a different meaning for everyone, and
happiness is probably the same way.
For me, sadness is when I think about all the horrible things that I’ve
had to endure, and most of the time, it just boils down to feeling
unloved. Do you know what I want?
I want to know somebody better than I know myself. Because I know that
if I know someone that well, that I will love that person and that
person will love me. I don’t
crave a romantic relationship. I just want a real friendship. I want to
know that if I die tomorrow, there will be a person here left behind to miss me and remember me forever. I feel so
lonely. Why can’t I have that? Why is it so hard to find someone like
that? I can’t possibly be the only person that feels this way. I wish I
could find someone like me and convince him or her to stop being sad
and I wish I could show them that I care and that I know and will
always understand. And I wish that they could tell me the same thing.
And I wish that the person that tells me this wouldn’t even need to use
words to tell me these things because I want to see it in their eyes.
And I don’t want to tell someone all these things because they might
think I’m depressed and having suicidal thoughts again because I know
that they would try to force themselves to be the person that I need.
I wish I didn’t have to try so hard. I wish I could let go. I wish I could stop feeling like this. I wish I would always feel like this. I wish I could tell you what real happiness is. The kind that’s not
shallow and temporary. The kind that gets rid of all the bad things in
the back of my mind forever. I wish I could die young and happy. I wish I knew what I had to do next. I wish I knew why I cry so much. I wish I wouldn’t feel the knot in my throat when I cry. I wish I could
sob with all my might. I wish I could let go and scream in agony when I
cry. I can’t make noise when I cry. Sometimes I force myself to make
noise, but it feels so wrong. I’m used to being quiet. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish someone would hold me and rub my head until I stop feeling so sorry for myself. I wish I could share this with someone. I wish for peace within myself.