Sometimes things are good… Sometimes they aren’t… Sometimes I just feel STUCK here in this awful feeling of – I don’t even know what I feel.. I know how to feel happy and sad and disappointed and hurt.. But I’m just….. NUMB… anymore. I don’t know what I’m feeling and I’m forgetting how to feel okay. I feel like I’m drowning all the time lately and I really don’t like it. The last few days have been the worst. I had a huge exam and I lost a day of studying and took the weekend to relax and I just felt like I lost a lot of time after I realized how little time I had. Then I had a migraine that knocked me down big time on Tuesday – 24 hours less to study. So I’ve been doing everything I can to not SI, but it has been so hard! I felt overwhelmed and panicked. I ended up having 2 days to study for this exam.. I studied from 7am until 1am both days. Minus the 3 hours I spent in class, I didn’t do anything else. It turned up that I got an A on the exam, but I still have that dragging, drowning feeling. I don’t even know how else to describe it.. I’ve been struggling for a while now, but I’m trying not to SI… Not even for myself, but to make my therapist and boyfriend happy… I just feel so heavy and just not myself… I want to SI, badly.. But I don’t want the regret that goes along with it… I don’t know.. 9 months is a long time of being SI free… but I still want to feel the calm and be able to breathe.. even if it’s temporary.. I’m so lost…