This all seems so impossible. I find it hard to comprehend that after nearly four years of struggling to break free of SI that I’m embracing it and sprinting backwards now. If you would have asked me if I planned on stopping SI last year or the year before I could have told you yes without completely lying. I did intend to stop, I had intentions of figuring things out and overcoming it. I even came close to succeeding a few times, I remember going over a month without SI. And now I don’t know how, but some switch got flipped and I’m no where close to stopping. I’m not even in a position to consider it anymore. I don’t know where exactly things changed for me but somehow they did. My depression’s grip on me is just getting stronger. The more time that passes the more I feel myself slipping under. It’s like something snapped and I’m not trying to tread the water anymore, I’m allowing myself to be pulled all the way to the bottom. Now I can’t say that I intend to stop while maintaining any shred of honesty. I’ve been allowing myself to give in to the urges. I’ve even allowed myself to go back to SI’ing in my favorite place even though it puts me at risk of being caught. I can’t explain or even begin to understand the wrecklessness that’s taken hold of me. I’m falling behind in school and though part of me wants to care and maintain my grades like I’ve meticulously done in the past, part of me says to forget it. I can hardly summon the will to try in school. I’ve quit trying to maintain the social appearance too. I don’t think that I mind the stares of people as much anymore, I simply cannot summon the strength or motivation to try. I feel like the past four years of my life all got wasted. There’s been a few things that mattered but now I can’t seem to put any meaning behind any of the once important events. I feel like my whole life is set up to be wasted at this rate. Ever since starting SI I’ve bounced back and forth between trying to get better and diving in further to the addiction. Now that I’m falling farther into SI and realizing how futile all my past struggles to overcome it were I really don’t see myself having a better future – it’s always going to be the same cycle. I’m not going to get past it …