I haven’t been a injurer for many, many years. I have a great husband and fantastic special needs child…lots of challenges, but nothing I can’t handle. Today, as if out of the blue, it was like my body was telling me to injure.  Obviously, it was not REALLY talking to me, but i felt as if it was. That old nutso sense of safety that I was the one in control. I was the one to hurt me; not him. Crazy, Crazy stuff from my youth (SOO long ago) that I devised to protect my mind against a man who is now dead. This makes no sense to me, but I can’t tell anyone because he/she will FREAK OUT. I just want to tell somebody, but I can’t because no one gets this without freaking out and wanting to throw you in a locked room. I manage my husband, I coordinate everything for my son. The idea of me NOT functioning is such a non starter…yet what do I do with these old familiar feelings from my old scary past? I am not doing anything harmful and I’m not planning on doing anything harmful, I just need an outlet where I can go Bleah! without the cavalry coming. I can’t hurt my dear husband and I can’t risk being separated from my beloved child. Actually just writing this down is helping. It would be great if this is a site where you can blurt out your thoughts instead of acting on them…I guess that’s what I’m seeking.