I went to bed last night feeling ok and now I’m back to the same place! I think to myself maybe I am just bidding my time and it’s all inevitable. I don’t actually believe that, sometimes it seems that’s what I deserve. I am in control, I know that. I don’t have any substances messing with my mind. If I SI I know it’s my choice-but I’m scared of that impulse. What if it’s too much to take one time ? What if I’m in a bad place and something bad happens and I just snap and act and don’t think ,or can’t fight it or…whatever. Now I realize I’m being very black and white about the whole thing and it’s useless to sit here and wonder “what if?” All I have to do is get through it one moment at a time. This is taking a few minutes writing this. My friend who is selling me her car when she comes from Colombia keeps putting her trip off! She always has some excuse! I’m being so selfish! But my car dies everyday and I don’t have money to fix it. I have just enough to buy this car and she’s so unreliable. This is the 4th time she has rescheduled at the LAST minute. Should I still be reaching out to people ? I feel like I should be in a better place. I feel like my support network is tired of hearing from me. I’m even hesitant to call or email my therapist and usually I feel very ok doing so. I feel like I’ve driven everyone away with my incessant crying of how I’m struggling. Do other people keep it to themselves ? Do I talk about it too much ? If I keep it inside I act on it and I feel like I can’t risk that because what if I don’t get out next time. I talked about SI in my AA meeting last night. It’s my “home group” and they know me and I know them and it’s all women. I didn’t plan on it, it just came out I said I get so frustrated that I can’t drink that I want to go back to self injury, and turns out I’m not the only one in that room that is in recovery from si and people actually thanked me afterward for being open about that. That was a different reaction than I expected. I’m discouraged and afraid I will si and afraid I annoy everyone and should be able to keep it to myself now.